How I REALLY am...

Ever since my miscarriage, people ask how I am doing which is really sweet. At first I couldn't really handle that because I was so overwhelmed with grief during those first two weeks. Then suddenly the fog lifted one day in the middle of last week & I just felt happy for no reason, like myself for the first time. That's not to say I'm happy this happened. I could never think that. What I mean is that I have come to terms with the loss of baby Jasmine & accepted it with the faith that it happened for a reason. Perhaps it's also because I found my inner strength to move beyond it & be happy to enjoy what I do have. If it weren't for our two kids, perhaps I wouldn't be as strong because kids need their parents to be there to guide them to be the best people they can be in life. That's the job of a parent after all (or one of the many job descriptions). However I believe that I'm stronger than I used to be because life has made me that way & for that I'm grateful. The people who were here for us in our grief truly cared about us, they weren't just here because they felt they should be. I'm still constantly aware when an infant is around or if someone is expecting; the difference is now I can be happy for others still without breaking down or stopping in my tracks anymore. I just embrace the experience of reliving moments with my own children & feel lucky to have those, much like the other day when I was singing to a friend's baby as it watched with wide eyes full of interest. I can handle that now. Afterwards of course, I was sad for a bit because of not being able to do that someday with our third child. The point is that I didn't break down & enjoyed the moment. When my hand brushes my stomach, I mourn her & the loss of being able experience the joys of a full pregnancy with her. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. If I dwell on it, I can sink into a depression but I know that isn't what's best for me & I'm strong enough to lift myself out of the funk to fully enjoy what I do have which is a wonderful life & the ability to stay at home to cherish, enjoy & raise our two children. So overall, I'm still recovering & suppose I will be for a long time but am happy & thankful to enjoy what I do have.