Quiet Thoughts

Today I decided I needed to get out of the house & went with my Hubby & the kids to the library where they picked out some books. Son is all about space & Daughter 'needed' princess books. They both were happy to find what they wanted. On the way out, Daughter was fascinated with a little girl whose mother appeared about six months pregnant. It didn't really bother me but I did notice right away & it got me thinking about my situation (not like I really forget though). It felt like I became more quiet from then on. I'm not really talkative these days anyhow because I've been so preoccupied. So I guess there wasn't much difference in reality.

Afterwards we grabbed a bite although I wasn't really hungry, even for crab legs or dessert. I just haven't had an appetite at all but I am making sure that I eat. No worries. Nothing has much of a taste though. The restaurant started playing a particular Carpenter song that just reminded me of what was. After a while I went to the restroom where I really wanted to have a good cry because my heart felt like it was breaking but I didn't have any tears to cry. So I stood there looking in the mirror at this indifferent expression on my face that almost seemed unrecognizable while feeling all this heartache inside.

It seems that most of the time that I feel indifferent, numb or heartbroken. Maybe that's why I'm hugging my two children constantly now. Hubby is doing everything he can but I think it hurts him that he can't do more to help me through this. We're both suffering but I wish I was as strong as him right now. It just feels as though everyday I'm just going through the motions. Maybe I am.

People are starting to ask how I'm doing now & so many people are here for us. Yet being around & talking to people is so painful & that's the complete opposite of my nature. How do people get past this? I know it takes time but what else? I don't know what to do.