Storm the gingerbead!

Yesterday the kids & I hung around the house making crafts. Daughter did some water painting. Son painted a wooden airplane & then we started to work on making a castle together. After he went to bed, I continued on some additional touches & putting it together. We have a couple more final touches to do, if he ever finishes his homework that is...

Daughter enjoys the gingerbread house she made with Hubby & Son.

How I REALLY am...

Ever since my miscarriage, people ask how I am doing which is really sweet. At first I couldn't really handle that because I was so overwhelmed with grief during those first two weeks. Then suddenly the fog lifted one day in the middle of last week & I just felt happy for no reason, like myself for the first time. That's not to say I'm happy this happened. I could never think that. What I mean is that I have come to terms with the loss of baby Jasmine & accepted it with the faith that it happened for a reason. Perhaps it's also because I found my inner strength to move beyond it & be happy to enjoy what I do have. If it weren't for our two kids, perhaps I wouldn't be as strong because kids need their parents to be there to guide them to be the best people they can be in life. That's the job of a parent after all (or one of the many job descriptions). However I believe that I'm stronger than I used to be because life has made me that way & for that I'm grateful. The people who were here for us in our grief truly cared about us, they weren't just here because they felt they should be. I'm still constantly aware when an infant is around or if someone is expecting; the difference is now I can be happy for others still without breaking down or stopping in my tracks anymore. I just embrace the experience of reliving moments with my own children & feel lucky to have those, much like the other day when I was singing to a friend's baby as it watched with wide eyes full of interest. I can handle that now. Afterwards of course, I was sad for a bit because of not being able to do that someday with our third child. The point is that I didn't break down & enjoyed the moment. When my hand brushes my stomach, I mourn her & the loss of being able experience the joys of a full pregnancy with her. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. If I dwell on it, I can sink into a depression but I know that isn't what's best for me & I'm strong enough to lift myself out of the funk to fully enjoy what I do have which is a wonderful life & the ability to stay at home to cherish, enjoy & raise our two children. So overall, I'm still recovering & suppose I will be for a long time but am happy & thankful to enjoy what I do have.

Pretty isn't always nice!

This morning I braved the cold to remove some of our outdoor Christmas decorations that are visible for the first time, thanks to the rain we got over the weekend. They've been covered in several feet of snow for what seems like months now. Of course, untangling them was something else! They may not be pretty but at least half of them (the most obvious ones) are down now.

I started thinking about how we spend so much time putting up outdoor christmas decor only to have to stuck in the snow too long after christmas passes. If it wasn't so pretty then perhaps we wouldn't do it; but not doing so feels so scrooge-like for us. Not to mention, we all love seeing the lights outside our house during the season. It feels cheerier during the gloomy winter.

Not everything pretty is always nice though. I've always thought that personality is more important than looks, not that looks don't hurt. Unfortunately sometimes the 'pretty' people aren't so pretty on the inside which actually makes them quite unattractive. Likewise, someone with a great personality & decent looks is actually more attractive. Lucky for me, I found both in my Hubby!

Happy happy happy!

I know there are going to be tough days ahead sometimes when our miscarriage hits me all of a sudden but I think I'm over the worst. Today for the first time, since the D&C, I honestly feel happy. I'm smiling without reason & content with how fulfilled & fortunate I am to live the life I'm living. I'm actually completely able to focus & enjoy the good things in my life. Perhaps it's a fluke but I prefer to think not. I even thought about going dancing in a month or so. This is so good. I feel like my happy self once more, even if it's only for today. I'll take this day by day & am now confident in my ability to handle this. Perhaps I've moved onto acceptance. Who knows? The point is that I'm good for now.

It's all clear.

So after one doctor appointment & an ultrasound today, we were assured that everything was removed with the D&C & that I'm most likely just healing slower than most. My doctor prescribed a second round of antibiotics just to be on the safe side. She also suggested using Benedryl or Tylenol PM to help me sleep.

Daughter still has a fever, a mild cough & sniffles going on 3 nights now. Despite all that, she's not too cranky though. Each night she's woken up every few hours & ended up in bed with us around 3 am. Hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow. My poor angel...

Tonight I helped Hubby with his shoe shopping since his tailbone still hurts. Although we didn't have any luck finding him some comfortable boots, we did find a pair of gym shoes. Funny thing is he originally picked out the same pair he's been wearing for about two years & then said "You know, I never really liked these shoes." Of course he found another pair but I asked him, "Seriously, you wore a pair of gym shoes for two years that you didn't like?" That was quite the shocker for me to find out.

Oh & I was so excited to find a replacement pair of comfortable knee high boots with a square toe! Now I've looked for the same type of boots I've had for two or three years with no such luck. Turns out Hubby was my good luck charm. The funny thing is that I was so excited about finding my new replacement boots is that I forgot my purse in the aisle of the shoe store & had to run back & get it. Thankfully it had only been a few minutes (which is too much time) & everything was there. It all ended well.

Making improvement

Great news! Hubby's back is making improvement with fewer & weaker spasms. Can I hear a woot, woot? :-D

Quiet Thoughts

Today I decided I needed to get out of the house & went with my Hubby & the kids to the library where they picked out some books. Son is all about space & Daughter 'needed' princess books. They both were happy to find what they wanted. On the way out, Daughter was fascinated with a little girl whose mother appeared about six months pregnant. It didn't really bother me but I did notice right away & it got me thinking about my situation (not like I really forget though). It felt like I became more quiet from then on. I'm not really talkative these days anyhow because I've been so preoccupied. So I guess there wasn't much difference in reality.

Afterwards we grabbed a bite although I wasn't really hungry, even for crab legs or dessert. I just haven't had an appetite at all but I am making sure that I eat. No worries. Nothing has much of a taste though. The restaurant started playing a particular Carpenter song that just reminded me of what was. After a while I went to the restroom where I really wanted to have a good cry because my heart felt like it was breaking but I didn't have any tears to cry. So I stood there looking in the mirror at this indifferent expression on my face that almost seemed unrecognizable while feeling all this heartache inside.

It seems that most of the time that I feel indifferent, numb or heartbroken. Maybe that's why I'm hugging my two children constantly now. Hubby is doing everything he can but I think it hurts him that he can't do more to help me through this. We're both suffering but I wish I was as strong as him right now. It just feels as though everyday I'm just going through the motions. Maybe I am.

People are starting to ask how I'm doing now & so many people are here for us. Yet being around & talking to people is so painful & that's the complete opposite of my nature. How do people get past this? I know it takes time but what else? I don't know what to do.

Watch that tailbone!

Saturday my Dad, Hubby & Son went sledding at a local sledding hill. Although it was very icy, they stayed for two & a half hours later, with injuries but very excited to tell us all about it.

On the first run down with the hard plastic slide, Hubby apparently bruised the muscle around his tailbone which spasms every time he sits, stands or bends at a certain angle. If he's lucky, he'll be able okay enough to drive to work otherwise my everyday schedule is about to get very interesting if I need to drive Hubby to work & drop Son off at school. Thankfully, he's going to go to the doctor to get it checked out soon. Somehow though he managed to continue sledding with our large inflatable sled & still had a great time.

My Dad managed to injure himself by wrenching his neck & back but he also continued having fun. Despite all this, Son had a fantastic time being adventurous flinging himself onto the sled down hill. He kept warm the entire time but was more than happy to enjoy some hot chocolate & fried chicken for dinner with the family & my parents. Before bed, we all watched some old Betty Boop movies (which was hilarious as an adult). My Mom was wonderful trying to take care of my Dad (with heat on his neck), Matt (unable to sit or stand without gasping in pain) & then myself who just started getting around without disabling cramps from the D&C. All in all, it was a fun but definitely interesting day.

He's a natural!

Over the holidays, Hubby took Son back for ski lessons. Son went once last year & did great. This year after one day, he was simply amazing. After all this time, we found a sport that he loves & is completely natural at with total confidence. He'll definitely be going a few more times before the winter is done.

Facebook friendly

Since last June, I really haven't posted anything on my blog because I was able to interact with others on Facebook. Now Facebook has taken over the country in a way that MySpace can't compete. It's a social network where you can choose your level of privacy, not to mention it's taken the country by storm in the last year. Teens, parents & grandparents can all be found on Facebook; most likely half of your relatives! Go ahead & see for yourself. How many can you find?

In addition, my husband worked from home so had moments where I actually had adult conversation. Last year he started a great new job with regular hours & reasonable commute that he's very happy at. Their benefits cover 100% of vision, dental & vision. They also provide delicious lunches everyday (so employees don't have to leave the office during stock market hours) in addition to an exercise class that's taught by a trainer. It's a great change & I'm happy for him.

The kids have been growing by leaps & bounds. Son, at five years old, started kindergarten at the brand new school the county built. It has all the latest technology plus room to grow. Son's kindergarten teacher (we'll call her KT) works with the kids so well. We're very happy with her. He loves learning, his friends at school, has expressed an interest in learning spanish & surprised us a few months ago by spouting off addition problems - correctly! Now he's starting to read by sounding words out & can actually recognize a few words when we spell them when the 'adults talks'. We may have to start instant messaging them to each other because yes, we are definitely a couple who loves our technology.

Daughter is now two years old, has grown like a weed as well (although height & weight is still proportional) & now wears size 4T. She's all girl too which I love. She enjoys babies, dolls, princesses (which was the theme for her this Christmas), getting her nails painted, dressing up (loves her dresses) & insists on wearing nightgowns to bed every night (even over regular pajama sets). She's got quite the personality too - friendly, animated, funny & energetic. It seems that she'll be quite the looker with her blond hair (which is finally growing out) & blue eyes! I'm not worried though because she'll be able to hold her own too, thanks to her brother who loves to take care of & play with her. It's great watching those two play around. Oh & did I mention her opinions? Life will be quite interesting as she gets older. Strawberry shortcake is her idol, it seems & that's better than some alternatives.

My migraines resolved & I lost 40 lbs, mostly due to the side effects of my beginning migraine medication. I went all the way to a size 7, which I loved. I was busy for months cleaning out the basement & getting rid of all our baby equipment stored away since we were done with kids. Then right before Christmas we found out I was expecting our third baby naturally, which was a huge but pleasant surprise considering both our children were conceived through IVF.

Unfortunately we discovered that we the baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks & there was no heartbeat. I was devastated. Although this baby caught us completely off guard, we were so anxious to meet our 3rd little miracle! Hearing that news was... heartbreaking. I couldn't stop crying for three days.

Two days later I had to get a D&C done which was harder than anything I've ever done in my life. It was better compared to the alternative though; I couldn't take the emotional trauma of waiting for the baby to leave my body. the thought of seeing that was beyond horrifying to me. I wanted this baby so badly & to watch it... No, I knew I wasn't strong enough for that.

After the third day, it seemed I no longer had any tears left. Now I am always so sad & the only time I smile during the day is when the kids do something to remind me how precious they are & how blessed we are to have them. I have to be strong for them but it's so hard. I'm not sleeping & want to break down all the time but it seems I used up all my tears. For now, there's no reservoir. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

I always wanted three, even twins, when we first started trying for children. To some two children may seem the perfect number (one for each hand) & for a long time, I agreed. Then after being perfectly happy with two (since we had our daughter) & perhaps partly because of losing this baby though, I now am anxious to have a third baby. Here is catch. 1) Hubby & I still need to have the talk about whether we try for a third & if so, we have than a less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own. The fact that it happened this time is the first & only time it's happened. 2) It would be another accident when it does because if we actively try then my body tends to fake the symptoms often. It's all very frustrating.

I hate to shake things up for us when we've been & continue to be so happy but once I've healed emotionally & physically from this miscarriage (God I hate saying that!), we'll cross that bridge together as a couple & a family.

Time to ring in the New Year, baby!

After having numerous events happen to us during the last week of 2009,

I was ready to move on to 2010!

Hubby & I had a great time downtown this year with some friends New Years Eve. Although I couldn't drink (because of the surprise pregnancy), I still had a blast. The only exceptions were when a 250 lb man stepped on my three baby toes with the heel of his dress shoes & then someone accidently poured an entire cup of beer down my dress. Good thing I was wearing black & managed to damp dry most of it.

The two guys say "Bring on the New Year!", especially after our family room flooding & Hubby receiving a 'glued' gash compliments of a snow fight.

It was great going out with friends again. After dancing until 2 am & the guys finding a cab for us frozen girls (thank goodness), we all enjoyed relaxing with yummy snacks in the hotel room. Breakfast the nest morning with them was also a great way to pass the time as the entire hotel waited for valet service. Thanks for a great time & we look forward to doing it again soon!